Here I am. Again.

I have been on one hell of a journey ever since I moved away from home in 2018.

I got the chance to know who Areeba is.

I had no fucking idea, honestly. I always thought, hm okay I think I can survive and do whatever. Not feel anything, just survive.

But I did so much more than that in the last 2 or so years.

I got the chance to live in Europe, specifically Finland of all places in the world.

I got there as an international student, I was so starry eyed and filled with hope when I landed.

But eventually I started having this rude awakening; where I felt like everyone’s out to get me. Everyone hates me. I am such a failure. The world would be better off without a waste of space and resources like me.

That started my spiral that eventually landed me to a psychiatrist in Finland. She thankfully knew/understood and spike English quite well.

She was probably the first person in many months who showed any form of care or concern towards my well-being.

I got the chance to go to a psychologist too. She eventually did end up ghosting me out of the blue (left her job after the summer break).

But I got the start that I needed in Finland. The start towards my mental health and how to deal with an ever evolving situation which is and was my mental illness.

Mind Games

It’s another day today.

But, one heavy with the unknown sense of doom. Everyone is out to get me especially after one incident with someone I kind of, sort of know.

Its all doom and gloom.

Feeling paranoid, more than anything.

I need to stop searching for answers. Those answers are giving me anxiety.

I have to close my eyes and focus on making the lows go away. Everything will be fine this way.

It should be, right?

There’s always a solution. There should be a solution to this too.

Running away

Unlike every other time, my stubbornness paid off.

Finally!

Will move away this year or maybe I will run away. I am not sure.

This last month and a half has been a lot of the missing people I was fond of back in the day.

Seriously though, I keep on having dreams; about the ones that got away.

Is that a sign? Or just that my mind doesn’t have anything better to worry about.

Am I Enough?

Am I good enough? I keep on thinking about that.

Relationships, love, success.

Happiness.

I keep on thinking if I am good enough? Do I deserve this? Do I deserve this happiness? 

Well if not happiness, then do I deserve this sadness? This feeling of uncertainity whether I am doomed to be one of the sad and lonely in the end.

I wonder if I am going to be good enough for any of the good things that might accidently come my way.

Unsure

I am not sure if this is the toughest time of my life right now or was the stuff in my past the most difficult time I’ll ever go through?

It’s the circumstances.

Everytime, it’s these circumstances.

And I don’t have anyone else to blame but me. I feel helpless. Like I don’t have any control over my life.

Is it me?

Has it always been me? Am I to be blamed for all of this?

All of this pain? All of this heartbreak?

The love of my life is slipping away from my hands and I can’t do anything. Like I never did anything when I was asked to fulfill someone else’s dreams, someone else’s ambitions.

Is this the same thing? Am I a coward? Am I one of those people that I have always abhored?

People who don’t have a spine, who can’t fight for their love just because “cricumtsances”?

Have I become all of the things that I have hated all this time?

I keep on coming back.

Every single time, for some reason. You would think that I just give up on this writing shit.

But nope.

I won’t.

Because that’s the kind of stubborn asshole yours truly is.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay consistent but hopefully, I will.